Confidence.

I’m confident in a lot of things about me. If you ask anyone close to me they’ll probably tell you how I can talk about myself for hours. Which is probably true. I am not afraid to talk myself up. I don’t mind putting my best foot forward and I think people actually respond fairly well to it. Am I a little cocky? Probably. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think so. But to get to my point there are a couple things I’m not too confident in.

I don’t think I have much to offer people. It’s probably the last dregs of that teenage low self-esteem angst but, I’m not sure how much I add to people’s lives. I mean they tell me they like having me around but, everyone lies. People get into relationships (all types) because they want something from someone else. Whether it’s companionship or because the person is smart and they can help me get ahead or do good on a math test. Whatever that is they offer something. I don’t know what my thing is and I overcompensate.

I try to be a big part, helping them through their pain and troubles. A shoulder to cry on when they’re in need. If they need something they can always count on me. I push myself way too hard to be available and ready with the right thing to say.  Not that I’m bad at that part but, it weighs on me. There’s sometimes when I’m an absolute mess and there’s no one to talk to. They tell me their problems and I try and fix them. It’s easy not because it keeps me away from my own problems because it makes me feel useful. I like feeling useful. I like knowing that no matter how low I get someone’s life would be worse without me in it.

Does that make me selfish? Probably. Do I tell them? Yes. I tell them that I’m self-centered that I do most of these things for myself. Do they believe me? No, they just think I’m being humble. If there’s anything you learn from reading this blog, other than the fact that I’m an overthinking basket case, it should be that any bit of demureness that comes from me is due to uncertainty.

The other thing is my writing, it’s not as interesting as the earlier topic, not much to analyze here. I guess I’m the same as everyone else here. We’re all just trying to get through the next project and hopefully, one day write a hit. I know I’m not alone in wanting this so bad you lie awake at night hoping just hoping that it’s good enough. That the right person thinks highly enough of it and tells all their friends about it. That it somehow gets on the right person’s blog and they read about it and love it. And everyone is just clamoring to get their hands on your book like it’s the only one out there. They read it all in one night or savor it over a week. They love your world so much they dream up their own characters to fill it. (Deep breath. I actually did this while writing this.)

I want what every writer wants. What every person wants. To be loved for what I bring in the world. To be admired for what I can do. And to be cherished by the people who love me.

PS. Sorry, this is so heavy but, I had a lot get off my chest.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability isn’t something I worry about. It’s something I practiced. I don’t have any issue being open with my feelings. I learned that being open and honest with yourself would lead less stress and anxiety. I have always felt everything on an increment of ten. My feelings are loud and explosive. I figured once I got a handle on what I was feeling then I would never rule me. Learning this I am far more myself today than, I have ever been.

The only way I know I know how to write is by pouring my soul out in the things on the page. In a way, it makes me feel alive. It’s cathartic and it’s freeing in a way, talking about it with others ever was. I don’t feel judged.  That people are weighing their experiences against mine. I think writing through your pain heals me in ways I didn’t always understand until now.

I still get anxiety and I’m still depressed at times but, it’s helped me a lot not only to talk about how I’m feeling but, to write it. I’ve found things out about myself just saying things aloud. I realized that my ability to honest with the things that hurt me has only made me stronger.

Influences

So I haven’t reached my goal and it’s kind of eating me up inside. I need to get better at not only self-motivation but time management. I’ve already talked about having issues with Balance. And honestly, it’s not something I’ve ever done very well. I’m trying to get a lot better at it. I’ve been writing as an author now for two years and I still feel like I’m just getting better and writing and hopefully that leads to becoming better at the business.

Now that’s out of the way I want to talk a bit more about me. I know big surprise but, I think once you understand who I am as a person, my writing and characters make a lot more sense.  Maybe you if you have similar problems and issues then you can connect with them and me.

I didn’t always want to be an author at least not for the right reasons. I’ve always wanted to tell stories but I remember ardently wanting to be a Power Ranger. (That didn’t happen, just for the record.)  I have told stories since I was kid taking things I’d seen on tv and movies and playing games with all that stuff fused together. I’ll admit it, I LARP’d I LARP’d hard as a kid and probably past when it was socially acceptable. I played these games much longer than I should have but, I loved them more than video games and even books. I won’t name any of my co-conspirators because they more or less lead productive lives and I’d hate to ruin that with my need to say way too much.

I realized after acting, wanting to sing, and dance, it was all about telling a story. I’ve never wanted anything else as long as I’ve lived. I want to make a living doing this that seems like a pipe dream now but I’m going to keep trying and I’ll never give up.

Anyway, for me some of my biggest inspirations are anime. When I was a kid it was Dragon Ball Z, Sailor Moon, Pokemon, Digimon, and Shinzo. I never missed an episode. It was all about big set pieces, larger than life fights, and they looked like nothing I’d ever seen before. There was always something interesting going on with the look, the sound, or just where the inspiration came from. It was either something so alien I’d never come across anything like or It was mixing and matching them in ways I hadn’t thought of.

I drank it all in. I soaked it up like a sponge. I literally couldn’t get enough of the stuff. I became someone not just interested in the product but the culture. History, martial arts, myths and legends, and even their food. I liked it so much because it seemed like they looked at the world in a completely different way. Even today, JRPGs are kind of my favorites.

I guess with this post I just wanted to give an update and a little more insight into the man behind the keys. The sequel is going well I’ve just got a few more things I’m not happy with yet before I begin editing.

2017 Plans!!

This is probably really late considering we’re at least a week into the new year but I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. It galls me that I didn’t have anything finished in 2016. I can’t let this year end the same. So I’m giving myself real approachable goals this time around.

 

  • Finish writing Golden Wings by the end of (Jan 2017)
  • Have Golden Wings edited and out by the end of (June 2017)
  • Finish outline for Shinigami 03 by the end of (July 2017)
  • Have Shinigami 03 written by the end of (Dec 2017)
  • Make time to work on other books in The Aftermath Collection

I have taken steps to ensure what has happened to me last year will not effect this year. I’ve been working hard to increase my productivity and making sure I write more every day than I was ever doing the past two years. I’m really going to put in the time to make sure I do what I’m setting out to do.

This year.

I have to say I am angry with myself. I haven’t finished any new work. That’s not to say I’m not writing just that it’s going slower than I expected. I was hoping that I’d get so much faster, that suddenly after finishing my first book I’d unlock the secret that let other people churn books out in months. Am I not fast enough? Am I not doing enough? Short answer… yes.

I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. The question is how do I change that? How do I devote myself more? Do I take on fewer hours at work? Do I hang out less? I already have a problem with balance. Will this just tip me over the edge?

The one thing I have to say that I have become a better writer and It’s reflected in my work. I just need to figure out how to manage my time better and write more recklessly.  The first one has always been a problem for me. I just need to find a new normal. I want so badly to get off the ground. Get my work out there. I want as many people to fall in love with my characters like I have.

Why I write.

Someone asked me recently, after I had finished telling them how much my book had sold, why I wrote. Which in retrospect wasn’t a nice thing to ask… but none the less I answered them. I said for me it’s about getting my demons out. It is about taking all the pain and all the bad things I’ve done or had been done to me putting them on a page and letting them out.

Now, this is not to say that all of those things I write about happened to me but… I dig in deep an pour my soul into it. This maybe the wrong way to do things. I am probably going in the completely opposite direction of what writing should be. It should be for the readers. It’s about them, right? I think if I write this way with this in mind that I’ll hit someone in just the precise way that it will resonate with them. It’s probably not the best way to handle business but, I hope it works. I hope I can connect with people.

I have been given the gift-or detriment- to be able to feel things incredibly strongly. So much so that describing it to others tends to fail in comparison. I love feeling things and making that apart of my product, a part of whatever legacy I leave behind-I am twenty-four leave me at least some delusions of grandeur- is very important to me.

Research

I have to say I do a ton of research for my writing. I enjoy learning and it kinda gives me more of an idea about not only the world we live in but the world I’m trying to create. That said how much is too much?

Most of the time when we are talking about some rare herb in China we could just make it up. The secret connection between King Tut and Shang Dynasty? Make it up. But I think that certainly does a disservice to the reader and to our past.

What I mean is that readers are smart people and they will pick apart the things in the story that don’t make sense. And how can you blame them. They buy things on good faith that they are good or at least as good as the last product you made. A character in an Anime I was watch “Everything thing a creator creates is like our business card”- Segawa-san, Shiro Bako. Now to me that means a lot everything I do on the internet or in my life, within this alias, has to be done so that anyone who is looking at one thing can discern who I am as an artist, a writer, or as an author. That’s a big burden to put on any piece but, it’s the burden you have to put on it.

And that’s why I research. That’s why I study things I had no interest in school or college so that I can become a better writer. So my work can have a bit more grounding, a bit more weight. Plus it gives me a little understanding in a conversation if someone wants to talk to me about herbology.