I am jealous of the Sun, Who fils you with warmth. I am jealous of the Rain, Who touches you down to your bones I am jealous of the Wind, Who's fingers run through your hair, even now. I am jealous of the Earth, Who you trust to hold you up, when all else fails. I am jealous of the Eyes, Who have had the chance to behold you, for all your life. I am jealous of the Words, Who've never failed to make you laugh. I am jealous of the Lovers, who've you've allowed to open your eyes. I am none of these things. I am secret. Something that you can hold, That you can cherish, But you may never love, Out in the open.
I want to speak to you in words you understand Your language. Let me find your frequency, Hitting scan all day till you reply. What combination of knobs and levers. Will broadcast my soul directly into your airwaves If I were to whisper in your ear would you hear me in your dreams? Or am I just the black noise bouncing off the tin roof. WHY WON'T YOU HEAR ME!? Respectfully...
When was the last completely new thing you learned. Was it hard for you to keep on task trying or was there something else pushing you forward? Was it putting a roof over your head or just getting out of a situation you didn’t want to be in? What was the hardest part for you?
I’m trying to find the space in myself to do this. It’s incredibly hard and I sometimes just feel like my brain isn’t up to the task… But I have to be I want to prove I can do this because I don’t want to be where I’m at forever. I need more than this. I want more than this. I feel more trapped than ever and that I can’t get the break I need.
So I’m learning to code and it’s so far from my wheelhouse but, I’m trying harder than I probably ever did at school. It just feels like I’m slamming my head against a brick wall waiting for the things to come together and some of it is, slowly. But I think this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Harder than writing a book, harder than telling my truth, harder than just getting out of bed.
I feel like a lot of what I’ve been doing, though difficult, hasn’t been beat your brain bloody difficult. Other people have done it so I can learn. I just don’t know that I’ll ever be as good as I want to be at anything I try. And a part of me just feels like I’m too old for this. That my brain doesn’t work like it used to, sucking up tidbits of knowledge like a vacuum so I could show everyone how smart I was for a few minutes. These past few weeks have been exhausting for more than one reason but, I’m glad to be doing this. I’m glad to be learning even if it’s been a thing right now.
Hey Readers, why not name the hardest thing you had to do in the comments. Something that really made you dig deep. I think if we share when things don’t come easy for us the hard things become a little easier because it’s not just us who feel like it was difficult. I want this job and I will do what I can to get it. Even if it takes a lot out of me.
On Tuesday, April 20, 2021, Derek Chauvin was finally convicted of the MURDER of George Floyd. After kneeling on his neck for 9 minutes, 42 seconds while George Floyd was handcuffed behind his back while on the ground. He was unable to breathe and that resulted in his death. Derek Chauvin believed he had no chance of being convicted you could see it in his face right up until conviction.
Think about that for a second, Derek Chauvin murders a man in cold blood, the video is watched tens of millions of times on national news and the internet, his private life is picked apart, and still, this man never thought there would be justice. And even worse most of the people watching the case didn’t believe there would be either. There’s a major problem in the world where this is the case. Police can’t believe the law doesn’t apply to them.
Derek Chauvin isn’t the first and he certainly won’t be the last but, he’s in every way indicative of America. Some people believe they’re above it all and some of them… are right. We live in a country where the people on top can break all the laws they want because for them the same thing would bankrupt us or ruin our lives would or even worse end up with us dead. We have to work hard to change this. Most of us will never be on our strata, not because we’re not smart enough or hardworking enough but because a system exists to keep us down. Many times for just an accident of birth.
Hey readers, sorry I’ve been MIA things in my life have been moving quickly in my life and I haven’t been here. That’s gonna change but, don’t just take my world for it. Stay Safe out there and take a breath, You’ve earned.
I wonder sometimes when that feeling kicks in, the one where you’re about to go over the falls, if that’s just some illusion that your mind is tricking you with. Walking you down a path well trodden. Guiding you to some ecstatic mirage where you’ve missed the true oasis by miles but, that’s okay you’re drinking sand right where you belong.
Recently, I’ve been wondering if I’ve fallen in love with myself all those times. I wonder if what I saw in those eyes was just a reflection of the love I gave so willingly. This isn’t me being sad but, I’ve said I love you so many times I’ve probably lost count. Penned poems of heart songs and heartbreak. I’ve been getting better at relationships. I just don’t always know if I’ve been giving my heart to the right people.
And as I stand on the precipice of something new I have to ask myself is this all real again or am I doing this to myself if nothing else was right for me how could this be it? Is this how it’s supposed to be? Do we fall for self-idealized versions of others only to decide to stay or go when the sheet gets removed and we see that person in the garish light of day? If all of that is true, when do we learn to see that person for who they are at the begining and maybe not so late in.
A vision that blots out the rarest pigment sunsets
Or mountain landscapes
Is there truly beauty in those things,
When apparitions of divinity walk along the Earth on two legs?
Does the moon but reflect the sun?
While their intellect out shines the rise of Helios.
There’s beauty in many found things
but perhaps in a muse that finds itself.
Can vibrant, Autumn leaves
or soft, downy snow
string words together that compel
writers desire to tear their hearts out in envy?
Will a zephyr or the avian song
bring chills with notes stagnate over millions of years
or the symphony composed
from a compassionate soul
who ne’er take life’s pleasures for granted.
Is it hubris to compare one
to both earthly and celestial wonders
but I am ever so confident that I know the right of it.
For what could be held in such regard
But the vastness of beauty in a mortal vessel.
My day job is an essential one and I haven’t been able to stay home under lock down. Every day has my nerves on edge because I know getting it will most likely ruin my health in ways that make me uneasy. I have mild allergies but, I live with someone who has a cat and that would really mess my breathing up more than it already has. My friend’s parent is now disabled because of this disease. And I just want to feel safe again. I think that’s been the worst part of this thing for me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I don’t have much if any real side effects just a headache and a sore arm. In the grand sceme of things the weight that I feel off my shoulders is emmence. If you can get it, it’s definetly worth it. I am asking everybody I know about getting the vaccine. You’ve already done the big thing. You wore a mask, you stayed six feet away from everyone, and you stayed home as much as possible. This is the easiest thing. Even if you don’t like needles this was nothing. My flu shot was way worse. Get it, you’ll thank yourself.
What is a stage but a pedestal
They belong to life
An actor to the stage
And I just want to play the part that’s belongs to me
I want to surround them
To pull them into me and never let go.
That would satisfy only for a moment
A split second of selfish desire
It’d bring the whole thing down around me
Isolation and freedom in ruination
That I could have just one piece of them.
What would I do just to know.
Just to understand.
Just to know their name.
Things have been pratically unbearable at work and honestly the only thing that’s been getting me through is writing every night. I’m shattering my earlier records and really putting my all in this. I want to take up freelance writing I hope that’ll help me improve. I know I probably say it enough to make it cliche but I feel like I’m getting better but I won’t stop.
I have a friend that’s always trying to get better and I want to be like them. Plus they have given me a special bit of motivation. Find someone who will give you that boost that’ll fit you. It’s hard for me to get motivated by myself but knowing that I have to turn in my progress to someone who’ll praise me when I do get something right and not scold me when I don’t do it has really put the onus of progress on me.
Mechanically, the way I put my sentences together seem to be improving. I’m always listening to new stories to see how they bring things together how their dialouge work furthers their character growth and trying to understand the story structures I like. I opening up old works and trying to hone them a bit better. One day they should see the light of day. Please be paitent with me dear readers. Good luck out there!
They poured sunshine and flowers into a glass
Two cubes of memory to chill
A shot of anticipation
A chaser of catharsis
Just what I need to take the edge off
Sorry it’s a short one today but, there’s a lot going on and I will definitely have more material coming soon. Good luck, Readers