Self-Improvement is sexy!

I want to be better. I want to achieve better things so to me it just means so much when someone wants the same things. Like trying to learn something new or improving on what you already do well is just so cool. Like putting the time in to achieve something is so much fun.

I have recently been putting my time into learning to cook. I mean I was able to do normal dude stuff like make breakfast but just not good at doing literally anything else. In the past few weeks I’ve learned to bake chicken, sear chicken, and make quesadillas. I know that’s not much yet… I’m working on a budget and literally knew nothing. I think next I’ll make soup.

Back to the previous topic, I just feel like I’m trying to learn to become more well rounded. I may be able to write greeting cards that make people cry but, that’s not gonna save me if I my refridgerator shuts down. I’ve built a few new things of furniture and maybe next for me is learning to sew or some embroidery. I think maybe that could be a usefull skill.

I don’t know what has come over me this last year but, I like that I’ve changed a lot with my mentality and even more with how I view a few things. I want to become a more interesting, more likable person, a warrior for the causes I believe in, and someone who is well read. 2021 has been a year of the new Warren, I hope that reflects here.

I’ve been through a few things and seen some people stagnate in ways that I can’t really stomach. And one person who’s taken to learning new things and improving in ways I can’t help but marvel at. I think maybe I’ll ask people going forward what they did during the pandemic. I know that probably won’t be a fair judgement but I have to say the people who have improved definitely have something else in them. Some have really thrived during this time and while I can’t say the same I’ve tried to improve. I don’t want to look back at this time as the lost years. I don’t want to just stagnate anymore.

Hey readers, what have you done during this pandemic. It can be something small or something big, how have you become a better person? Hang in there, we can see the horizon!

Is this Love?

I wonder sometimes when that feeling kicks in, the one where you’re about to go over the falls, if that’s just some illusion that your mind is tricking you with. Walking you down a path well trodden. Guiding you to some ecstatic mirage where you’ve missed the true oasis by miles but, that’s okay you’re drinking sand right where you belong.

Recently, I’ve been wondering if I’ve fallen in love with myself all those times. I wonder if what I saw in those eyes was just a reflection of the love I gave so willingly. This isn’t me being sad but, I’ve said I love you so many times I’ve probably lost count. Penned poems of heart songs and heartbreak. I’ve been getting better at relationships. I just don’t always know if I’ve been giving my heart to the right people.

And as I stand on the precipice of something new I have to ask myself is this all real again or am I doing this to myself if nothing else was right for me how could this be it? Is this how it’s supposed to be? Do we fall for self-idealized versions of others only to decide to stay or go when the sheet gets removed and we see that person in the garish light of day? If all of that is true, when do we learn to see that person for who they are at the begining and maybe not so late in.

Writer update March!

Things have been pratically unbearable at work and honestly the only thing that’s been getting me through is writing every night. I’m shattering my earlier records and really putting my all in this. I want to take up freelance writing I hope that’ll help me improve. I know I probably say it enough to make it cliche but I feel like I’m getting better but I won’t stop.

I have a friend that’s always trying to get better and I want to be like them. Plus they have given me a special bit of motivation. Find someone who will give you that boost that’ll fit you. It’s hard for me to get motivated by myself but knowing that I have to turn in my progress to someone who’ll praise me when I do get something right and not scold me when I don’t do it has really put the onus of progress on me.

Mechanically, the way I put my sentences together seem to be improving. I’m always listening to new stories to see how they bring things together how their dialouge work furthers their character growth and trying to understand the story structures I like. I opening up old works and trying to hone them a bit better. One day they should see the light of day. Please be paitent with me dear readers. Good luck out there!

Black Culture Month Part 2

I actually did it. I followed through and wrote a part two. Now that probably isn’t surprising for you guys but, if I’m honest my drafts are an absolute mess. I’m going to jump right in with  my next couple of pics.

This YouTube video made me consider what Blackness is as a concept. Maybe I was a bit ignorant when I considered only African Americans as Black. Black is British, French, and anywhere else our people are in the world. I was reluctant to count them amoung  because many of them seemed to be reluctant to count themselves among us. Seperating ourselves and gatekeeping really ruins our collective power in the world.

Cynthia Erivo’s self-hate tweets were classist, discriminatory, and White Supremacist. I don’t want to go over the whole thing but, it started with people getting up in arms about a Black British Woman playing the part of arguably one Black Histories greastest heroes, Harriet Tubman. Sitting there watching the movie with my mother, Super Hero Harriet Tubman was terrible. Please don’t pay to watch that movie. I’m not saying pirate it but, if you happen to find it lying around… Watch the movie, that made me question everything I knew about Mrs. Tubman and not in a good way

Now this book took me on a wild, contemporary, contemplative ride in the most urban of fantasies. With bit of plot there was cojent comentary on something to do with race, economics, immigration, you name it, if it was about the social justice of our world today then this book spoke on it, and well.

N. K. Jemsin might become one of my favorite writers, weaving in ideas that make your brain itch in the best way. The characters she gave in We Are The City Now are of viewpoints I haven’t heard yet. From an ederly, lesbian native woman, to a Middle-aged Black ex-rapper, a plus-sized, Immigrant woman and a Black, Queer sex worker expierencing homelessness. These characters were interesting in not just who they are but, in the diversity of lived expierences. It was a breath of fresh air and gives me the idea that my characters should be more distinct. I want more diverse characters in all types of fiction, so everyone can be seen.

While I don’t agree with everything that MelinaPendulum brings up in her video, I think it’s important to think critically of the things we love and for me that’s Brigerton. She speaks on the diversity, colorism, and that scene. I hope Brigerton fixes some of the problems in their next season. MelinaPendulum is great her takes are whip smart and continue to be one of the many places I go to to hear other Black people speak on pop culture.

Training school for Negro Girls scoured my soul. It was stomach churning, wild ride. Multiple times I felt a despair and defeat that was a different flavor than the one I was used to. I had to put it down many times just to make it through this collection. If this is how it feels to be a Black Woman… Then I have learned a bit of humility.

I say all of this not to deter you but, so you know what you’re getting into. This is well written and the kind of art and writing I only hope I can achieve. This work echoes with emotion and a matter-of-factness that gets to heart of what Camille Acker is trying to say. I hope if you choose to check it out you’ll have as challenging a time as I had.

There are others I haven’t gotten to but, these are some of the ones that have impacted me the most. The Black voice is beautiful and poingnant. We’re seeing it in more places and finally seeing a finally see the diversity of opininions and that we are in no way a monolith.

I might go back into more depth into some of the things I covered here. I haven’t gotten to Malcom and Marie or Black Judas yet and I know those are gonna be bomb. Maybe that’s how I’ll finish everything out.


I don’t own any of these pictures. All images hold original copyright, no copyright infringement meant.

Uncomfortable

Over the weekend, I did something that made me feel uncomfortable. It scooped my stomach out because I thought it was the right move. I believed that sacrificing my comfort was worth it to make someone else happy. And the worst part is I don’t know if it did.

I wonder sometimes why we do the things we do. Like why do we roll over our gut feelings and instincts to try and make people happy? I mean is it cause it makes us happy? I believe that answer is no. I think the reason we do this is because we can’t stand the tension. I think our fear of even a bit of tension in our lives leads us to do self-destructive things.

I don’t mean things like punching walls or cutting ourselves. Even those are symptoms of a problem built up over time. I mean self-destructive like refusing to apologize or leaving a bad situation. We try so hard to keep that tension inside that it ruptures our insides when if we had released it much earlier it would have been much less a problem than we probably made it out to be.

Now I’m not saying to steam roll over someone else’s feelings but, maybe what you think is a big deal isn’t really a big deal. Maybe you should trust your relationships with those people you care about to bear that bit of tension. Maybe they’ll surpise you by understanding and the people who don’t weren’t worth all that much worry anyway. I know that’s easier said than done, throwing out your bad relationships but, I will tell you that they lift so much weight and anxiety from your shoulders.

So good luck out there dealing with your uncomfortable feelings but, maybe you have a better way of dealing with them then I do. I knew this was probably going to be a lot for me going in and I just didn’t listen to myself. Hopefully, you all are better listeners. Has anything made you uncomfortable recently? Maybe make a comment on this blog, get that feeling out. It’s quiet over here no many people listening but, you and me.

Wren

Wandering,

Wondering,

Wonderland Wren.

Has left the Earth,

And returned again

Waring,

Wearing,

Wrathful Wren

Fears no more

And yields even less

Worrying,

Waiting,

Warm-hearted Wren

No longer will shrink,
Won’t even try

Wading,

Waxing,

Willful Wren

Soars in on wings,

of ambition and desire

Winging,

Wringing,

Witty Wren

Don’t let them catch you

Whatever you do

Wandering,

Wondering,

Wonderland Wren

Has left the Earth,
And returned again.

Clippings of Conversation

I still remember your “Hey”s and sighs
I recite your dreams
Sing your tears
Can’t forget your heartbeat
And cadence
But I only hear clippings of conversations

I remember my rage
My angst
Your sweet toxin
Our Warmth
Hours of my life swallowed up in perfect lips
Only loose thoughts reach out

I remember pain and loss
Moving forward
Death
Mass annihilation
Bounding betrayals
But I only have clippings of conversations

Our time blurred
I am not the same man
But I wonder would you love me
Would your kisses taste the same
Even with just clippings
I have more than you

Is or Was

I have given much thought to the idea that people who leave us, don’t always leave us. Maybe we think about them less; Or morn the people they’d become. But, we don’t forget the things they loved, the ideas they had. We even keep their saved games. So is was, right?

Like green was his favorite color or her smile was as bright as the sun. I want to choose is. I don’t know if that would still be true. If they were still alive maybe they’d be sick of the things they used to love. But, I want to say Green is his favorite color and He has a soft spot for monkey. She was first person to say she liked my hair long and she taught me so many things with a smile that was so filled with the joie de vivre.

All I’m saying is sometimes it feels better to say is instead of was and I’m giving you the power to choose. I’m not super spiritual myself but, think they things they showed us and taught us aren’t gone so maybe that means they aren’t either. I find comfort in being a web of expeirences touched by others. Our lives are passion projects and those people who touch our lives are the florishing sheet that goes over our grand design.

Live well, readers. Maybe meditate on this for a bit. Tell me about your choice: Is or Was and give me a like or check out some of the other things I’ve written.

2020

2020 was interesting. It wasn’t my best year and I had to put a bunch of all the things I wanted on the backburner. I know my book hasn’t come out but, writing was really difficult this year. So I’m just gonna put down some of the good things that have happened to me.

  • I wrote more on here.
  • Got back in touch with a good friend.
  • Made a few decisions that were good to me.
  • Got closer to some people I wouldn’t have guessed in a million years.
  • I found new strength in my own mental health. Deciding if I can work being an essential worker during a pandemic then I can probably make it through some other less impactful things.
  • I went on some dramatic self-emprovement outside and inside.

While it’s not a lot of wins. I think I’ve become a better person and that’s all I think I could have asked for this year. Thank you for following me this far and I hope I can keep giving you reasons to check out my site. I’ve got a few more posts coming out the rest of this week and I want to start 2021 with a bang.

The Act of Loving

When the act of loving is missing,

you can really feel it.

It’s sweet words and squishy feelings

Without thick walls and drawn curtains

Its sex without foreplay

Or pulling teeth to get the

one thing you thought you’d both like to do… done.

It’s loneliness

Giving more of yourself then you can stand

It’s “What do you want me to do?!”

Yelled out while someone just

wants to you to hold them

It’s not being able to share your day

Your month

Your year

Your life

It’s walking around on egg shells

because if you put into words

the things that are really wrong

you’ll break things

and that might break you.

It’s the threat of leaving

Hanging over and spoken out loud

Drilling into your insecurities

But you know what you need.

So leave

Go and get it.