I wonder sometimes when that feeling kicks in, the one where you’re about to go over the falls, if that’s just some illusion that your mind is tricking you with. Walking you down a path well trodden. Guiding you to some ecstatic mirage where you’ve missed the true oasis by miles but, that’s okay you’re drinking sand right where you belong.
Recently, I’ve been wondering if I’ve fallen in love with myself all those times. I wonder if what I saw in those eyes was just a reflection of the love I gave so willingly. This isn’t me being sad but, I’ve said I love you so many times I’ve probably lost count. Penned poems of heart songs and heartbreak. I’ve been getting better at relationships. I just don’t always know if I’ve been giving my heart to the right people.
And as I stand on the precipice of something new I have to ask myself is this all real again or am I doing this to myself if nothing else was right for me how could this be it? Is this how it’s supposed to be? Do we fall for self-idealized versions of others only to decide to stay or go when the sheet gets removed and we see that person in the garish light of day? If all of that is true, when do we learn to see that person for who they are at the begining and maybe not so late in.
My day job is an essential one and I haven’t been able to stay home under lock down. Every day has my nerves on edge because I know getting it will most likely ruin my health in ways that make me uneasy. I have mild allergies but, I live with someone who has a cat and that would really mess my breathing up more than it already has. My friend’s parent is now disabled because of this disease. And I just want to feel safe again. I think that’s been the worst part of this thing for me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I don’t have much if any real side effects just a headache and a sore arm. In the grand sceme of things the weight that I feel off my shoulders is emmence. If you can get it, it’s definetly worth it. I am asking everybody I know about getting the vaccine. You’ve already done the big thing. You wore a mask, you stayed six feet away from everyone, and you stayed home as much as possible. This is the easiest thing. Even if you don’t like needles this was nothing. My flu shot was way worse. Get it, you’ll thank yourself.
Things have been pratically unbearable at work and honestly the only thing that’s been getting me through is writing every night. I’m shattering my earlier records and really putting my all in this. I want to take up freelance writing I hope that’ll help me improve. I know I probably say it enough to make it cliche but I feel like I’m getting better but I won’t stop.
I have a friend that’s always trying to get better and I want to be like them. Plus they have given me a special bit of motivation. Find someone who will give you that boost that’ll fit you. It’s hard for me to get motivated by myself but knowing that I have to turn in my progress to someone who’ll praise me when I do get something right and not scold me when I don’t do it has really put the onus of progress on me.
Mechanically, the way I put my sentences together seem to be improving. I’m always listening to new stories to see how they bring things together how their dialouge work furthers their character growth and trying to understand the story structures I like. I opening up old works and trying to hone them a bit better. One day they should see the light of day. Please be paitent with me dear readers. Good luck out there!
I actually did it. I followed through and wrote a part two. Now that probably isn’t surprising for you guys but, if I’m honest my drafts are an absolute mess. I’m going to jump right in with my next couple of pics.
This YouTube video made me consider what Blackness is as a concept. Maybe I was a bit ignorant when I considered only African Americans as Black. Black is British, French, and anywhere else our people are in the world. I was reluctant to count them amoung because many of them seemed to be reluctant to count themselves among us. Seperating ourselves and gatekeeping really ruins our collective power in the world.
Cynthia Erivo’s self-hate tweets were classist, discriminatory, and White Supremacist. I don’t want to go over the whole thing but, it started with people getting up in arms about a Black British Woman playing the part of arguably one Black Histories greastest heroes, Harriet Tubman. Sitting there watching the movie with my mother, Super Hero Harriet Tubman was terrible. Please don’t pay to watch that movie. I’m not saying pirate it but, if you happen to find it lying around… Watch the movie, that made me question everything I knew about Mrs. Tubman and not in a good way
Now this book took me on a wild, contemporary, contemplative ride in the most urban of fantasies. With bit of plot there was cojent comentary on something to do with race, economics, immigration, you name it, if it was about the social justice of our world today then this book spoke on it, and well.
N. K. Jemsin might become one of my favorite writers, weaving in ideas that make your brain itch in the best way. The characters she gave in We Are The City Now are of viewpoints I haven’t heard yet. From an ederly, lesbian native woman, to a Middle-aged Black ex-rapper, a plus-sized, Immigrant woman and a Black, Queer sex worker expierencing homelessness. These characters were interesting in not just who they are but, in the diversity of lived expierences. It was a breath of fresh air and gives me the idea that my characters should be more distinct. I want more diverse characters in all types of fiction, so everyone can be seen.
While I don’t agree with everything that MelinaPendulum brings up in her video, I think it’s important to think critically of the things we love and for me that’s Brigerton. She speaks on the diversity, colorism, and that scene. I hope Brigerton fixes some of the problems in their next season. MelinaPendulum is great her takes are whip smart and continue to be one of the many places I go to to hear other Black people speak on pop culture.
Training school for Negro Girls scoured my soul. It was stomach churning, wild ride. Multiple times I felt a despair and defeat that was a different flavor than the one I was used to. I had to put it down many times just to make it through this collection. If this is how it feels to be a Black Woman… Then I have learned a bit of humility.
I say all of this not to deter you but, so you know what you’re getting into. This is well written and the kind of art and writing I only hope I can achieve. This work echoes with emotion and a matter-of-factness that gets to heart of what Camille Acker is trying to say. I hope if you choose to check it out you’ll have as challenging a time as I had.
There are others I haven’t gotten to but, these are some of the ones that have impacted me the most. The Black voice is beautiful and poingnant. We’re seeing it in more places and finally seeing a finally see the diversity of opininions and that we are in no way a monolith.
I might go back into more depth into some of the things I covered here. I haven’t gotten to Malcom and Marie or Black Judas yet and I know those are gonna be bomb. Maybe that’s how I’ll finish everything out.
I don’t own any of these pictures. All images hold original copyright, no copyright infringement meant.
I love Black culture. I love BLACK CULTURE!!! Sorry I just had to say it again because I really do and I love being able to say this. I wanna scream it from the top of my lungs but, that is probably still frowned upon in most places.
Black History Month 2021 has been, without me realizing it, me going out of my way to absorb content by Black content creators. And it’s been a like a warm hug. I’ve read books, watched television, listened to podcasts and music… It really has been a beautiful month. I want to make a few recommendations if you want to live out the rest of BHM as I did. I hope you are enjoying, learning, and consuming a lot this month.
A Love/Hate Thing by Whitney D Grandison was a wonderful surprise. I wasn’t really in the mood for a Highschool romance when I picked it up but, as it got going I couldn’t put it down. Every chance the book could’ve gone with cliches and made characters props or dimensional they didn’t. Things took place over time so you could get neck-deep into the group’s struggles.
The book let me make judgments about the characters only to point the finger at me for making those snap judgments. A lot of the book is about the things we automatically think about others and how we don’t always know their pain. I’ve read a bunch of books since this and I just can’t get it out of my head. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna pick it up again and from me, that’s high praise because I rarely read anything multiple times.
Meet Me @ The Altar has kept me a float on the tough days at work. I love the crashing sounds that remind me of my youth but, also have a kind of hopefulness that was missing from that old school Pop punk scene. The band is made of three Black women and it sounds just like the early 2000’s version of Paramore but, with just a litte edge. The song “May the Odds Be in Your Favor” has definitely struck a cord with me and “Garden” sweeps me into a head rocking, feet stomping, angst but, in a good way. I just love seeing my people in a genre that just never felt like was for me, y’know?
One Night in Miami was beautifully acted and written. Just knowing it’s Regina Kings directorial debut has me floored because each scene grips me and holds my attention even with the play aesthetic. Aldis Hodge, Leslie Odom Jr., Kingsley Ben-Adir, and Eli Goree do an amazing job showing Jim Brown, Sam Cooke, Malcom X, and Cassius Clay at this point in their lives and ultimately their activism. Watching these actors stand not get swallowed up by the dialouge that could move mountains it was a treat.
Each man has a different viewpoint, and comes from a different place and throught talking (mostly arguing) they begin to see the Black struggle in different ways. Learning from eachother to become better leaders and clear the way for for others. It also shows just how much hasn’t changed from even before the Civil Rights Movement. These men were pioneers and it felt amazing to be a fly on that wall in that room.
Jim Brown’s first scene floored me watching him sit down with a man who sung his praises just for it to end in such a way… It was a cold shower of realization. Aldis Hodge played it perfectly to a letter and got me interested in man I didn’t honestly know that much about. The living man enjoys the film and I don’t want to ever know if this really happened or not. A great perhaps.
There’s a lot more I could say and there’s even more to talk about so I’ll leave this one here and I’m thinking about doing a part two so look out for that. So what else have you all been doing to educate, consume, and create this Black History Month? Checking my blog might be a start but, I hope you are keying into all the culture we have to offer. Good luck, Readers.
All images hold original copyright, no copyright infringement meant.
What do you do when someone puts into words a fantasy you didn’t know you’d long for? I mean everything else around you is just so complicated and this seems so right your breath catches. Is this what affairs are made of. Can two unattached people have an affair?
Have you ever wanted something so much you felt guilty? Like you were somehow cheating on all your dreams, things you used to want. Now you’re typing this and you can’t forget the words they said… Were you just settling for a life you thought you wanted?
Maybe it’s a pattern for me. Is it weird that I knew I wanted to write books in elementary school when someone else wrote one? Maybe I only wanted something because I watched someone else enjoying it. While that might be how it started, I know writing was made for me. Finishing a page makes me happy in ways I didn’t know I could be. The closer I get to completing a project the better I feel about my abilities. Now if only I could finish something.
Okay readers, I hope the start of your week goes well and your tax returns come swiftly. My friend is starting a new job and I’m so proud of her. It’s just nice to see that her hard work is finally being realized in the major way it should be.
I’m an early bird. I love the times at night when no one else is awake. Those are the times when I feel like the world is infinite. Like outside my window things aren’t concrete yet. Like they only settle when the sun comes up. I know that’s weird but, for me thats the perfect time to write. When there’s a halo of fantasy out that’s a perfect time. What’s yours? When are you the most productive?
The fact that my job now has me coming in at noon is the worst. Noon is the perfect time for a cat nap. When the sun comes high and bright through my window and sunlight tickles my bed. My room hits the perfect heat and I stretch out…ugh! When do you like to take naps? Can you even take naps anymore? Are there things that stop you? Take a nap. This ones on me.
I love watching movies at sunset. I know it’s weird but, the perfect time too because things aren’t so late that you’re tired and can’t focus but, it seems like you’re falling back into the fantasy you left in the morning. It’s kind of romantic in that sense. Sunset is the most romantic time to get lost in. If I could open a door to sunset any time I needed to slow down, I’d be so happy.
Are you as weird as me? Do you even think about things like this? Honestly I probably have way too much time on my hand but, maybe you’re a bit like me? Maybe you should construct your perfect day. Take advantage of the break with convention we’re all expierencing and do something for you. You deserve it. If you needed a sign to tell you to take advantage of your time today or tomorrow then this is it! Good luck, readers.