Tag: Challenging Myself

Learning Something New

Posted on by Warren Dalton

When was the last completely new thing you learned. Was it hard for you to keep on task trying or was there something else pushing you forward? Was it putting a roof over your head or just getting out of a situation you didn’t want to be in? What was the hardest part for you?

I’m trying to find the space in myself to do this. It’s incredibly hard and I sometimes just feel like my brain isn’t up to the task… But I have to be I want to prove I can do this because I don’t want to be where I’m at forever. I need more than this. I want more than this. I feel more trapped than ever and that I can’t get the break I need.

So I’m learning to code and it’s so far from my wheelhouse but, I’m trying harder than I probably ever did at school. It just feels like I’m slamming my head against a brick wall waiting for the things to come together and some of it is, slowly. But I think this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Harder than writing a book, harder than telling my truth, harder than just getting out of bed.

I feel like a lot of what I’ve been doing, though difficult, hasn’t been beat your brain bloody difficult. Other people have done it so I can learn. I just don’t know that I’ll ever be as good as I want to be at anything I try. And a part of me just feels like I’m too old for this. That my brain doesn’t work like it used to, sucking up tidbits of knowledge like a vacuum so I could show everyone how smart I was for a few minutes. These past few weeks have been exhausting for more than one reason but, I’m glad to be doing this. I’m glad to be learning even if it’s been a thing right now.

Hey Readers, why not name the hardest thing you had to do in the comments. Something that really made you dig deep. I think if we share when things don’t come easy for us the hard things become a little easier because it’s not just us who feel like it was difficult. I want this job and I will do what I can to get it. Even if it takes a lot out of me.

Self-Improvement is sexy!

Posted on by Warren Dalton

I want to be better. I want to achieve better things so to me it just means so much when someone wants the same things. Like trying to learn something new or improving on what you already do well is just so cool. Like putting the time in to achieve something is so much fun.

I have recently been putting my time into learning to cook. I mean I was able to do normal dude stuff like make breakfast but just not good at doing literally anything else. In the past few weeks I’ve learned to bake chicken, sear chicken, and make quesadillas. I know that’s not much yet… I’m working on a budget and literally knew nothing. I think next I’ll make soup.

Back to the previous topic, I just feel like I’m trying to learn to become more well rounded. I may be able to write greeting cards that make people cry but, that’s not gonna save me if I my refridgerator shuts down. I’ve built a few new things of furniture and maybe next for me is learning to sew or some embroidery. I think maybe that could be a usefull skill.

I don’t know what has come over me this last year but, I like that I’ve changed a lot with my mentality and even more with how I view a few things. I want to become a more interesting, more likable person, a warrior for the causes I believe in, and someone who is well read. 2021 has been a year of the new Warren, I hope that reflects here.

I’ve been through a few things and seen some people stagnate in ways that I can’t really stomach. And one person who’s taken to learning new things and improving in ways I can’t help but marvel at. I think maybe I’ll ask people going forward what they did during the pandemic. I know that probably won’t be a fair judgement but I have to say the people who have improved definitely have something else in them. Some have really thrived during this time and while I can’t say the same I’ve tried to improve. I don’t want to look back at this time as the lost years. I don’t want to just stagnate anymore.

Hey readers, what have you done during this pandemic. It can be something small or something big, how have you become a better person? Hang in there, we can see the horizon!

Uncomfortable

Posted on by Warren Dalton

Over the weekend, I did something that made me feel uncomfortable. It scooped my stomach out because I thought it was the right move. I believed that sacrificing my comfort was worth it to make someone else happy. And the worst part is I don’t know if it did.

I wonder sometimes why we do the things we do. Like why do we roll over our gut feelings and instincts to try and make people happy? I mean is it cause it makes us happy? I believe that answer is no. I think the reason we do this is because we can’t stand the tension. I think our fear of even a bit of tension in our lives leads us to do self-destructive things.

I don’t mean things like punching walls or cutting ourselves. Even those are symptoms of a problem built up over time. I mean self-destructive like refusing to apologize or leaving a bad situation. We try so hard to keep that tension inside that it ruptures our insides when if we had released it much earlier it would have been much less a problem than we probably made it out to be.

Now I’m not saying to steamroll over someone else’s feelings but, maybe what you think is a big deal isn’t real. Maybe you should trust your relationships with those people you care about to bear that bit of tension. Maybe they’ll surprise you by understanding and the people who don’t weren’t worth all that much worry anyway. I know that’s easier said than done, throwing out your bad relationships but, I will tell you that they lift so much weight and anxiety from your shoulders.

So good luck out there, Readers, dealing with your uncomfortable feelings but, maybe you have a better way of dealing with them than I do. I knew this was probably going to be a lot for me going in and I just didn’t listen to myself. Hopefully, you all are better listeners. Has anything made you uncomfortable recently? Maybe comment on this blog, get that feeling out. It’s quiet over here no many people listening but, you and me.

Wren

Posted on by Warren Dalton

Wandering,

Wondering,

Wonderland Wren.

Has left the Earth,

And returned again

Waring,

Wearing,

Wrathful Wren

Fears no more

And yields even less

Worrying,

Waiting,

Warm-hearted Wren

No longer will shrink,
Won’t even try

Wading,

Waxing,

Willful Wren

Soars in on wings,

of ambition and desire

Winging,

Wringing,

Witty Wren

Don’t let them catch you

Whatever you do

Wandering,

Wondering,

Wonderland Wren

Has left the Earth,
And returned again.

Self-care

Posted on by Warren Dalton

I got my hair done on Tuesday and it feels great. You know that feeling where  you don’t feel like yourself unless you’rein your favorite sweatshirt or jeans or everything just isn’t right until your make up is done? Well that’s me. I love my braids. When I picture myself as a successful person/writer it’s with braids. Maybe it’s weird but, it just makes me feel at home in my own skin. For me having them in is self care.

I have spent a lot of time this year on taking care of myself. Trying to lose a bit of weight, incorporating a skincare routine and, even bought a watch for trying to work through the ADHD time slippage. I want to come out better from this terrible year.

Self-care is so important. I know myself and without it I kind of just subsist in the world. The depression hits and I just spend all day playing games or something just to try to relax. I’m not saying videogames aren’t effective self-care but, I think for me and just the types of games I play there just isn’t always that same sense of accomplishment I get from just making sure I did two face masks this week. I’ve realized besides writing it kind of just makes me feel like I got something done and I am overall better for the ten minutes I took to do it.

I began throwing out a bunch of the old mess in my room leftover from a previous person and donated some clothes too. It’s odd sometimes what throwing a bag of trash out will do for your mind. ( I should probably clean up more often. It’s not gonna happen but, I probably should.) I have been feeling a little freer in this past week and I’m hoping I can keep up the momentum. Keep changing enough small things to make me a stronger more well-rounded person. To me, my self-care is trying to improve minuscule things over and over again to eventually create a chain reaction of positive change.

1:37

Posted on by Warren Dalton

It starts.

At 1:37 am it starts,

A tightness in my chest that starts like a bulb.

It spreads crawling, winding all over me until

Chest, shoulders, upper arms, neck.

I can’t draw breath.

But, I know what I must do!

I stagger bleary-eyed to my computer

Why didn’t I just go to bed!

My mind screams at me

Tight, Tighter, Tighten

It’s over my clothes now,

Into my seams

The only way to rid my self of this poison…

I bleed it out,

The cold knife slips into to a well-worn vein.

On the keyboard,

Splattered on the walls,

The light from the screen is tainted.

Showing lifeless blue through scarlet life

I am free.

Bloodlet from creativity

Maybe now I can turn over

Maybe now I can get some sleep.

Your Truth

Posted on by Warren Dalton

They starved you at a feast.

Tied to a chair and watched those around you

Stuffing faces and

Having over full bellies,

Rubbed.

While you cried,

 

Died,

Wasting away until you couldn’t even be tied with ropes.

 

Hopes,

Put on someone who could save you died

On dried and cracked lips

 

Hips

Only thing you thought you were good for was cock rocking and moaning

And groaning you did away with their pain

 

Rain

Came down torrential

Unintentional but, it’s all your fault,

Right?

 

Plight

Goes on unanswered everyday,

everyway you asked and pleaded

They stood up and retreated,

defeated you cried,

died felt the pain,

the rain,

and like a current you were dragged again and again.

They weren’t enough, much too rough.

They got cut,

And you were the one to bleed.

Their need the same refrain.

 

Remains,

You gathered them up in fragile arms.

A magpie in the wild,

A raccoon in the woods,

Collecting and erecting the skeleton of a life you could love

 

Shoved

Down, drowned in rivers of your own fears

Gasping for air

 

Hair,

You cut just to divest from the stress of a world closing in,

Hoping that a change on the outside

Will rearrange you inside

 

Ride it out,

Breathe it in,

Quell the storm that rages within,

 

Kin

Never loved you,

When you needed them they abandoned you too.

Shamed and Blamed you too

 

Withdrew,

Into yourself,

Into your art,

Into your head,

To your core.

 

Ore.

You found a prize behind the pain.

Didn’t get better,

You got even!

Decided to soar higher than anyone’s expectations

You believed in you,

Got through.

Thrived.

Striving to be more,

And greater.

You smashed the ceiling

 

Unfeeling,

As the glass cut you

Because you learned long ago,

That success didn’t happen without a little discomfort.

Your life started out tough,

But you know that terrain.

Here’s your refrain.

It’s all uphill from here.

You’ve kissed the sky.

And Helios touched you!

 

Used to be a victim of your own mind,

Reflect, directed it back and

Now…

You know your own truth

 

NaNoWriMo 2019

Posted on by Warren Dalton

I’ve decided to do NaNoWriMo for the first time this year. It’s always kind of scared me if I’m being honest. I don’t like failure and I’ve never been a consistent writer as evidenced by my lack of published work. I hope going through this can make me a better writer in more ways than one. I want to get better and if I can do at least a thousand words a day I think I’ll call that a win. I have a few people I’ve told I’m doing this in my everyday life and one of them is going through this with me. I hope I can learn a lot from her and become a better writer this way.

I hope working on my consistency with this blog and my NaNoWriMo can smelt me into the writer I’ve always wanted to be. This is about me working on deadlines and follow through so I hope it means I can have a brand new project for you guys to check out soon.

Wish me luck and thanks in advance for all the well wishes.

Current word count: 5073 (I know not very good but I’m gonna get there.

I’ll be updating this post through NaNoWriMo with my new count and how I’m feeling.